A Simple, Fucktastically Good Meal

What is the one and only category of food which will ALWAYS sustain you, through thick and thin, through rain, sleet and snow? To what genus of foodstuff do centuries of working men, and more recently women, owe their continued sustenance? Other than pizza, what glorious wrapped morsel can you get delivered hot (or cold) to your door? Sandwiches.

Yes, you guessed it. The ultimate union steward for our belly is the good old Earl of Sandwich and his love of eating on-the-go. Well, perhaps the Earl himself wouldn't be my first choice in representation, we do owe him at the very least the name that rings so sweet and so clear to every hungry man, woman and child on this planet.

So what the fuck is a sandwich anyways? I've seen shit ranging from 'creative' bruschetta to slop buckets with bread on top being called a sandwich. There's no way around it. My favorite theoretical conception of a sandwich revolves around a fundamental concept: meat, cheese, vegetables and sauce wrapped in any type of bread is a sandwich. Best to open one's mind when on the prowl for a hungry belly.

There are two basic types of sandwiches:

-The kind you make when you go to the store and buy ingredients that you actually want to eat together

-The kind you make when you're fucking starving, broke, and are rummaging for something edible, and mildly compatible with the other 'items' you've got in your hand.

I'll leave the second challenge for another long-winded, bullshit musing.

Next set of choices:

-European (think French sissy bullshit)

-American (think awesome)

-Asian(what the fuck? Again, think of some French sissy bullshit with some extra weird veggies)

I'm all for French sissy bullshit, but that too is for another time and place. Let's face it, unless you're trying to impress a lady (or fine gentleman if you're of the opposite persuasion) or have only the two ingredients on hand, fuck that euro-trash.

So the parts of the sandwich that are critical for your success are:

-Bread (no shit?)

-Meat(s) (fuck off you hippie assholes. Eat a French sandwich you gladhanding sissy- boy/girl/undecided)

-Mayo and Mustard (non-negotiable)

-"Salad Vegetables," as an asshole would call them

-A knife or two

-A plate or the floor

-A bowl*

-Guts and a drive to succeed

Bread - you've gotta make some big decisions here that will drive the rest of this show. If this is one of your first serious rodeos, you're gonna want to keep it simple. Fuck this up and you've just made yourself, at best, a house of gold on a foundation of shit. If you've already gone too far, just throw everything away now and save yourself the effort and self-esteem.

Basic choice is flat or sliced? Open faced sandwiches are for sissy-ass Europeans, unless they're covered in gravy, so you're gonna have to choose a bread that will yield a nice sandwich. To the dipshit who walks off and buys the 99-cent loaf, I like flour and water too buddy, but you're not going to be making a meaningful sandwich out of that unless you're good with a knife and know what you're doing. Otherwise, you're going to have torn out balls of messy dough in smashed up crusts, covered in your tears of self-loathing disappointment. Don't fuck with French bread unless you got the balls for it. Sliced bread must be wheat, 12 grain or something similar preferred. There's no reason to be a dufus here, white bread is for idiots. It was a food preservation method that turned lovely, natural grain into fat-fuel. It's nice in some places (usually when the sugar is white too), but fuck it for a sandwich. Flat bread is a great option because it allows you to really load up on the "Salad Vegetables" and other delicious bullshit that makes a sandwich a sandwich, instead of just garbage between shingles.

Meats are a tricky subject. I'll leave the various amalgamated refuse (lunch sausages like bologna, salami, etc...) to others who smell. I like to stick with turkey, ham and roast beef for standard fare. You may choose one, both or all as the foundation of your sandwich, but don't knock on the old-fashioned one-meat hoagie. It will serve you right and definitely won't fuck your wife. A fashionable, and fucktastically awesome, addition is bacon. It belongs in basically all sandwiches. Problem is, fat boys should not eat bacon. As you think to make yourself a sammie, look down. If you have a hard time seeing your zipper or your shoes, no bacon for you.

Now, any good sandwich also needs mayo and mustard. Mayo is important for a variety of reasons. Mainly, it makes the sandwich good. Also, it protects your bread from getting sogg-tastic by creating an oily barrier to water-based liquids from your samm-berto-hand-feast. Any decent mayo will do, but fuck miracle whip and that vegan shit. Don't fuck with it.

Mustard gives your sandwich balls, libido and sex appeal. Given that you are what you eat, go to work on the mustard. It can't hurt your loser ass. There's a lot of choices here, but basically fuck yellow mustard and anything with more than a smidge of sugar. Chipotle mustard (or mayo, both work), horseradish mustard and deli (seedy) mustard are good choices. Again, keep the yellow shit away from your daughters, it'll will not behave "professionally" towards them.

Now come the vegetables.

I want to through a huge disclaimer first - I used to be in the "fuck veggies, veggies are for faggots" camp a while ago. We all have to grow up, and learn the error of our youthful indiscretions sometime, luckily I have corrected course. To those who haven't, get on the fucking boat and quit being a dipshit. Veggies are tits, not gay (TM).

Also, fuck lettuce. Fuck it dead. Burn it. I would recommend you feed it to your dogs, but your dog doesn't even want that shit. Just get rid of the fucking lettuce. It's a waste of space; it's like dousing your sandwich with a cup of water. Yes, romaine too!

Instead use some fucking fresh spinach. Who's the most popular, spinach-eating motherfucker of all time? Popeye the fucking Sailor-Man. What was he known for? Being a tremendous badass. Get the picture dipshit and throw some fresh spinach on every goddamn sandwich you make. A good fallback is sprouts, I guess they basically suck as bad as lettuce, but at least you get the satisfaction of cutting life off early.

Tomates are non-negotiable. Extra is better. Slice them real nice, and if they're wet try to get rid of the juice, it will do you no good. Beefsteak or roma tomatoes are a good choice, a lot of the time "nicer" tomatoes are way to wet, so don't be afraid of the old standbys. Also, if they're in season, heirloom tomatoes make for a killer sam-bam-thank-you-ma'am. Just make sure they don't rot in your produce basket.

If you like onions, put them in. I particularly like them grilled on basically anything, sandwiches included. Cucumbers are another key choice, sliced thin so they jive with the easy-ripping, sandwich fun. Some adventurous fucks put thin-sliced carrot on, but bugs bunny was a wise ass motherfucker and I want nothing to do with him. Popeye beats the shit out of bugs any day.

Now, toss some salt, pepper and oregano on. Assemble the bastard.

Now throw it on the ground and stomp in it a few times. When the dog tries to clean it up, kick the dog and urinate on the sandwich. That's the only way to enjoy it properly.