Bees' Tees

So, y'all've come to expect long-winded, bullshit food diatribes from me. This one's gonna turn it around a bit.

This is a tried and true classic, from childhood even. Except, this ain't your normal shit slapped on planks of white-ass, burned-ass toast. This is a refined, Baking Guy's toast.

Tha' List of Shit You Will Need Not To Fail At This:

7, 12, 14, 39, 87 or 124 Grain Bread; Sliced

Salted Butter

Arizona Honey

Bananas

Common Sense

A Penis, or Supervision

First, take your bread in your grubby little hand-paws. Look at it a bit. Ponder its essence. Smell it a little. Do you feel the earth in it? No? Good. You just passed sanity test #1. Did the bread make your aura better? Yes? YOU FAILED, you hippie fuck. Get the fuck out of here.

Put the bread in a toaster oven. Yes, toaster oven. A simple toaster isn't going to cut it here, shorty (well, technically it will...). Toaster ovens are great because you can apply the salted butter near the beginning of the toast cycle, and help it melt all nice and soft so as not to destroy your beautiful toast. If you're a poor, pitiful schmuck with a toaster, improvise.

Toast the bread until you're happy with it. Then, this is going to shock you, you should take it out of the toasting device! If you added your healthy dabs of butter at the beginning, to soften and caress the butter into its smooth-spreading sexiness, smear it about until you've covered every square inch of the toast with your yellow goodness. If you pussied out, or have only a mere toaster (basically the same thing), now you can smash and destroy the toast with your cold butter. If you're a wiseass, thinking "I've got margine, I'll show that fuck Jimpert," fuck off. DO NOT PUT MARGARINE ON MY BEES' TEES. If you do, I will hunt you down and feed that shit to my dog before shaving your head bald and tattooing my war symbol on the back of your head.

Now that you've got nice, buttery toast, add the honey. I like the stuff that's more natural, even a bit... crusty? The crystallized honey is the best stuff, make sure to spread it evenly over the whole surface of the toast. I am a huge fan of Arizona Mesquite honey. Perhaps it's because I grew up, ooping and glooping through the stuff, but it's way better than the bear looking shit they sell at every grocery store in the universe, or worse yet, shit that's mostly HIGH, fucking, FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP. WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING FUCK. Of course, technically it's "honey sauce", because to call it honey is to defame the goodness that is the Bees' Knees. So, basically, if it's got HFCS in the shit, see above re: margarine (are you seeing a trend there Sherlock?).

Finally, but not most leastly, come the Nanners. Go ahead and take a risk, use the dark nanner for this one, I dare you. I trust you on the whole sliced nanners thing, it's hard to fuck that part up too bad (hint: peel it first!).

Any mother fucker out there thinking to him/herself that I missed something? Well I didn't. Just in case your measly pissant brain didn't get it, fuck peanut butter. Ok, ok. Don't fuck it (just spread it somewhere for the dog...), but skip it on the Bees' Tees. It's unnecessary. The snack is great because it only barely sticks to the roof of your mouth, and is fairly light. Slathering a bunch of elephant love on it will not gain you anything other than shit stuck to the roof of your mouth and a tongue immobilized in the quicksand of elephant love.

There you have it, now that you've got the fucker assembled, EAT IT! What the fuck do you need me to tell you that for?