Maize Caliente del Fuego

I've been getting a lot of fan mail lately asking me about foods you can eat in the dark--i.e. either when you're watching a movie or when you're with a lady. I only eat one thing* when I'm with a lady, if you understand right, so here's a quick and spicy snack to eat when youre kickin it with a bowl and a film.

It's easy as shit:
Popcorn -- that's right, plain-ass motherfuckin popcorn. No butter or salt---yet.
Butter--REAL BUTTER. NO margarine, no "butter buds," no sleep till brooklyn.
Salt-- this is the stuff in the white shaker. You can add it to food yourself, instead of having Orville Reddenbacher do it for you!
MEXICAN HOT SAUCE -- anything will do, but I must recommend Cholula and Tapatio over all others.

Cook the popcorn in the microwave and melt your buttah in a pan. Drizzle the butter over the poppin corn and add salt to taste.

Now for the artful part: You need to apply the hot sauce so that it does not make the popcorn all soggy. THIS IS FUCKING CRUCIAL. No one wants to eat a shitty sticky wet globular shitsoup of spicy vegetable matter. To understand how to apply the hot sauce, you need to understand the mechanics of your typical hot sauce bottle:

You will notice that, if you hold a bottle of Cholula upside down, the spicy goodness does not just all pour out a la an upside down bottle of wine; instead, the spices form little beads, or, in the industry jargon, "houses" (hence the term "spicehouses"). Thus, if you turn the bottle upside-down and move it slowly over your popcorn, you'll get an even distribution of spicehouses with no soggy shit-spots.

Let this snack turn your next movie into a motherfuckin pelicula!