Every once in a while, perhaps when being a man and working the trans-Alaska pipeline, or chopping down trees in northern Canada, you get really hungry before you even leave the house to work! Hopefully, you've got about 40 minutes, because you're gonna need to f'ing eat.
Other good times for this meal are when you're hung over, or just generally looking for a good morning belly-blast of awesome.
Breakfast skillets are a classy way to feed a crowd or even an army, if you're leading a band of mercenary killers or religious zealots to their doom.
You've got two primary paths worth considering: traditional and Mexican. Being as how I'm from a proud border community, local fare will win and we'll be examining the better of the two choices.
Here's what you're going to need - I'll trust you've accumulated sufficient acumen to determine the specific dosings of the various components below. It's all based on yo' taste. If you made it my way, your tongue would be gone and your insides would be bursting fuego for a fortnight.
Eggie-Weggies
'Taters
Onions, sweet preferred
Penos
Meat*
Red Peppers, Yellow Peppers (I hate green peppers, so fuck them)
Garlic
Cados
Mushrooms
Cilantro
Chee-z-e or Queso for you southern types.
Sour Cream
Green Onions
Tomatoes
Maybe some greek food lube, aka olive oil
Veggie oil fo' ya' 'tater fryin'
Lalas Torts
TONS OF HOT SAUCE MORON
On the subject of meat, your top two choices here are bacon and steak. If you have bacon, other lean meat can also be added (think diced ham, very hearty and heart-wrenching, perhaps turkey sausage if you're into Mickey-D's and diet coke). Chorizo is a great choice if you're really going for it on this one.
I hope you have two pretty big pans, otherwise, this is gonna suck for you. You need to get your potatoes going ASAP. You need to dice a bunch of potatoes to begin with, like, 2 per person is a good bet, and if you're feeding a bunch add some more for safety's sake. They're the cheapest thing on earth, for f's sake. Dice them into small cubes, smaller than a dime's diameter's size or thereabouts. Get the oil nice and hot, and toss the fuckers in. They're going to pop and crackle, boo hoo. STFU and move them around. You want to make sure, now, that the oil's temperature is set to minimize the crackles, and keep them even and rolling. It's kind of like the whole popcorn thing... It's an art that takes a bit of perfecting. You're going to let the little fuckers cook for a while, during which time you'll keep working on the rest of the meal. BUT KEEP AN EYE ON THEM YOU SPACEBRAINED FOOL! I know you're going to step out to check on the bowl* every once in a while, but don't burn your fucking 'taters, they take a long time and are important.
Once you get the tots going, gather your meat and break it into the bite-size chunks you like. Big, small... doesn't really matter. Just cut. Make sure you're going to have a bit of grease going on, if it's bacon or chorizo, you're fine. If you only have lean meat, add some olive oil to get things sizzling. As far as temp goes, you wanna get your meat cooking, but it should take some time. Err on the side of low, because it sucks to burn yo shit. Also, every stove is different, and for us baking guys in rental housing, they can range wildly. If you're cooking bacon or something really greasy, you'll want to cook the meat pretty well and then drain off some grease, unless you really don't like a functioning heart. If you're using only lean meat, you can add the veggies direct.
Once the meat is zip-zapping it's ass along, get to work on your veggies before you totally space out and fuck this up. I like to dice everything involved pretty good, if you have big chunks, yo shit ain't gonna work out so nice. Be patient and put the work in, you lazy fuck. The onions, mushrooms and peppers can go in basically when they've been chopped (if you've drained yo' oil). Be careful with the garlic if things are going quick, it can burn and turn nasty in the high, meat-frying temperatures. This is when you want to make totally certain that your heat ain't fucking blazing, if you know what I mean. Keep it under control or you're gonna fuck it all up, throw it away and disappoint a crowd of hungry people.
NOW CHECK ON YOUR POTATOES YOU FUCK! Did you burn them? No? Good. If you did, throw it all away. Everybody's getting Mickey D's breakfast, your treat. Save yourself the embarassment.
Now, add some salt and pepper to your veggie and meaty snack. If you have another (yes, third) pan suitable for egging, get to work prepping your eggie weggies for the task at hand. I like to cook them over easy for the skillets, to allow the eggy wonderful yum yum juice to creep into the nooks, crannies and various other hiding places hidden throughout the wonderland that is soon to be your breakfast.
Let your veggies go, watch the potatoes. Get the eggs going however you choose. If you have a lot to cook, scrambling is a good bet unless you got yourself one mean griddle.
Keep in mind, to keep people happy you need some QUESO! You've got a range of choices here. A really good choice is some nice, soft, white queso fresco or some soft shredded mexican cheese. If you're at the grocery store, a mexican shredded blend works too.
Now, your potatoes should be approaching done. By done, I mean they're brown and crunchy and cooked all over. You've gotta work at getting them all cooked nice, and they will cook way down. This is what you want to make for delicious heaven. When you pull the tates out, put them on paper towel or paper bag or something to absorb the grease. This will be heart attack enough w/o a bucket of grease on the bottom. Also, toss some garlic salt on them at this time, while they still shimmer with oil. The garlic salt is tits. Don't skip it.
When you're ready to plate the shit up, get your bowls or similar apparatus together. Potato the bottom, making sure they're nicely salted, if there's too much... try to distribute it? Just hope you haven't fucked up too bad. Add a bit of a layer of cheese now, let it melt through the tates a bit. Next comes the meat and veggies. These should be nice and hot, and dumped on the queso will work nicely. Now, toss the eggs right on top of the meat and veggies. The resulting co-mingling of juices will serve you well in your endeavor for heaven. Next comes another bashing of cheese, some cilantro, and perhaps some green onion and sour cream on top. Now, serve the fucking shit w/ some LaLa's tortillas. You need tortillas.
Now, the intrepid reader, upon receiving such a concoction, will ask directly for the hot sauce. Never fear, a sufficient supply should be in stock for the occasion. Make sure you apply liberally, and reapply frequently.
Eat the fucking thing hard.
Now, look at your kitchen. It's a fucking mess, isn't it? Resist the temptation to clean it. It's not in your best interest. If you're lucky, you've got a roommate who'll do it. If you cooked for a crowd, enlist one of the lucky SOBs eating for free. If you cooked for your lumberjack self, leave the food scraps for the dog, let him clean the kitchen for you and head off your merry way to a day chopping down trees and wearing women's undergarments. We thank you for your efforts!
If you fucked up at some point along the way. I hope there's a Mickey D's or better yet a breafast-burrito-serving-joint near you to get you by. Sorry you fucking wasted that shit, loser.
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