THE SHARTED NERFBALL

This dish dawned on me while I was thinking of how to use "shart" in a recipe title – it also…happened to me.

Everybody has “played” with Nerf Products - Everybody (I'd like to think) has sharted – So:

When I was 24 I swallowed a Super Nerf Ball. Some faggit left it in the party spread! Thanks to probiotics and Nerf Foamings I didn’t need much of an exit strategy – RIGHT? RIGHT? Right. But. I had also (within the same standing) consumed 16 browncat brews (measure it yourself I wasa wizard I won it!), 2 pounds o’ smog dogs, some bees’ tea w/ bees’ tees, 4 burpless cucumbers and a spot of carpet. And you’re all like “NOOOOOT BAD!” after this I swilled some pepto, which should have, by all accounts, sealed my corn solid. RIGHT?

No explanation for the shart. Did the cucumber redirect the blow south? Did that pin-up doll make me anxious? Was I marathon dancing? Were the smogs over miced? All I know is that it sounded like a fucking barking rat in the middle of the dance floor, black beads barreling across my thighs like hot tar. I fell to my knees with a “FWHOAT!” and stayed there. Nobody could touch me. I felt like 10 bucks.

N-E-WAY I bunny foo fooed the fuck out and wound up with this Great Idea for Any Occasion!

2 cans o' black beans
green onion chopped fine
garlic
cilantro
teaspoon cumin
teaspoon oregano
teaspoon rosemary
salt
pepper
1 cup brown rice cooked
1/2 cup corn meal
olive oil

mince n' mash, pack n fry. line up the balls, your frituras de frijoles negros are complete. add gorilla guac and you'll be shuking in no time.

want more black foods? try squeezing a squid! i had black pasta the other night.

RUBENS PSYCHEDELIC PSLEAZY DOGS

its simple yet elegant, small yet incredibly dense. It comes care of my friends Ruben from Coachella, and the other dude who had long hair and a guitar but whos name I cant remember, so lets just call him Logan...im sorry Logan :(

These two guys rolled incognito into a heavy security music festival with 500 hot dogs, a portable grill, and a shit ton o' bacon! They decided to be ultimate badasses and sell people Sleazy Dogs outta the back of their van for half the price of the festival food. They got hassled by security, but they bounced back and brought the goodz to e'erbody!

Honestly i dont know why they called them Sleazy Dogs. Maybe they thought it had a ring to it?

A Sleazy Dog is a:

a) hot dog

b) wrapped in bacon

c) with onions

d) and really, nothing else except they had some really tasty buns


(notice the above 'grill' in bold means grill, so thats what you do with it)


put some condiments on that sucker, whatever you like at this point im not gonna tell you what to do here, honestly i just dont care enough. now eat it..make more if your still hungry, dont be afraid. I ate 2 for breakfast chilling with Ruben and Logan and i somehow still felt decent, better than i thought i was going to...i have no idea what the calorie count could be per dog, id actually rather not think about it cuz they taste like salty heaven!

Bacon and onion together are a wicked combo..add a charred dog and its downright insane. What else is insane is Ruben. Or at least he was when i saw him. Not mental, just temporarily..giddy? I gave him some uh..medicine and he turned into a fun guy, a reeeal fun guy if ya get my drift! He was havin a ball, cookin up his dogs while attempting to chop onions and trying to wrap bacon. It was actually his birthday! If there ever was a happy Ruben, he was right there that day, dancing in front of me looking so impish and whimsical, waving his onion cleaver around in one hand and some raw bacon strips in the other. I think he had some kinda deep epiphany, cuz he went apeshit and cooked up the rest of his dogs to give away to anyone that wanted one. Never have i ever seen or even thought it remotely possible for a guy this fun to cook up dogs at the speed he did, let alone even operate a grill, props Ruben, you are awesome!

Freakin' solid, Ruben! You and Logan are like a hot dog version of robin hood and little john, and we were like your merry band of hot dog eating men (and women) You brought cheap sleaze to the masses so they wouldnt hafta eat overpriced garbage. You even snuck in a buncha glass bottled Jarritos, which were prohibited but you did it anyways! And then i fed you substances that turned you into a raving maniac! Hell yeah!

Bees' Tees

So, y'all've come to expect long-winded, bullshit food diatribes from me. This one's gonna turn it around a bit.

This is a tried and true classic, from childhood even. Except, this ain't your normal shit slapped on planks of white-ass, burned-ass toast. This is a refined, Baking Guy's toast.

Tha' List of Shit You Will Need Not To Fail At This:

7, 12, 14, 39, 87 or 124 Grain Bread; Sliced

Salted Butter

Arizona Honey

Bananas

Common Sense

A Penis, or Supervision

First, take your bread in your grubby little hand-paws. Look at it a bit. Ponder its essence. Smell it a little. Do you feel the earth in it? No? Good. You just passed sanity test #1. Did the bread make your aura better? Yes? YOU FAILED, you hippie fuck. Get the fuck out of here.

Put the bread in a toaster oven. Yes, toaster oven. A simple toaster isn't going to cut it here, shorty (well, technically it will...). Toaster ovens are great because you can apply the salted butter near the beginning of the toast cycle, and help it melt all nice and soft so as not to destroy your beautiful toast. If you're a poor, pitiful schmuck with a toaster, improvise.

Toast the bread until you're happy with it. Then, this is going to shock you, you should take it out of the toasting device! If you added your healthy dabs of butter at the beginning, to soften and caress the butter into its smooth-spreading sexiness, smear it about until you've covered every square inch of the toast with your yellow goodness. If you pussied out, or have only a mere toaster (basically the same thing), now you can smash and destroy the toast with your cold butter. If you're a wiseass, thinking "I've got margine, I'll show that fuck Jimpert," fuck off. DO NOT PUT MARGARINE ON MY BEES' TEES. If you do, I will hunt you down and feed that shit to my dog before shaving your head bald and tattooing my war symbol on the back of your head.

Now that you've got nice, buttery toast, add the honey. I like the stuff that's more natural, even a bit... crusty? The crystallized honey is the best stuff, make sure to spread it evenly over the whole surface of the toast. I am a huge fan of Arizona Mesquite honey. Perhaps it's because I grew up, ooping and glooping through the stuff, but it's way better than the bear looking shit they sell at every grocery store in the universe, or worse yet, shit that's mostly HIGH, fucking, FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP. WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING FUCK. Of course, technically it's "honey sauce", because to call it honey is to defame the goodness that is the Bees' Knees. So, basically, if it's got HFCS in the shit, see above re: margarine (are you seeing a trend there Sherlock?).

Finally, but not most leastly, come the Nanners. Go ahead and take a risk, use the dark nanner for this one, I dare you. I trust you on the whole sliced nanners thing, it's hard to fuck that part up too bad (hint: peel it first!).

Any mother fucker out there thinking to him/herself that I missed something? Well I didn't. Just in case your measly pissant brain didn't get it, fuck peanut butter. Ok, ok. Don't fuck it (just spread it somewhere for the dog...), but skip it on the Bees' Tees. It's unnecessary. The snack is great because it only barely sticks to the roof of your mouth, and is fairly light. Slathering a bunch of elephant love on it will not gain you anything other than shit stuck to the roof of your mouth and a tongue immobilized in the quicksand of elephant love.

There you have it, now that you've got the fucker assembled, EAT IT! What the fuck do you need me to tell you that for?

Maize Caliente del Fuego

I've been getting a lot of fan mail lately asking me about foods you can eat in the dark--i.e. either when you're watching a movie or when you're with a lady. I only eat one thing* when I'm with a lady, if you understand right, so here's a quick and spicy snack to eat when youre kickin it with a bowl and a film.

It's easy as shit:
Popcorn -- that's right, plain-ass motherfuckin popcorn. No butter or salt---yet.
Butter--REAL BUTTER. NO margarine, no "butter buds," no sleep till brooklyn.
Salt-- this is the stuff in the white shaker. You can add it to food yourself, instead of having Orville Reddenbacher do it for you!
MEXICAN HOT SAUCE -- anything will do, but I must recommend Cholula and Tapatio over all others.

Cook the popcorn in the microwave and melt your buttah in a pan. Drizzle the butter over the poppin corn and add salt to taste.

Now for the artful part: You need to apply the hot sauce so that it does not make the popcorn all soggy. THIS IS FUCKING CRUCIAL. No one wants to eat a shitty sticky wet globular shitsoup of spicy vegetable matter. To understand how to apply the hot sauce, you need to understand the mechanics of your typical hot sauce bottle:

You will notice that, if you hold a bottle of Cholula upside down, the spicy goodness does not just all pour out a la an upside down bottle of wine; instead, the spices form little beads, or, in the industry jargon, "houses" (hence the term "spicehouses"). Thus, if you turn the bottle upside-down and move it slowly over your popcorn, you'll get an even distribution of spicehouses with no soggy shit-spots.

Let this snack turn your next movie into a motherfuckin pelicula!

Massive Sodium Goodness

There is a special art to Ramen. I'm sure all folks do it well, but seeking and achieving perfection can transform it into a kind, gentle and artistic meal. No one dares crush the noodles in the bag before popping open the bag. That is wrong. Always smash the fucking noodles first. Right. Don't let them burst out of the bag though. 

So, eyeball the water and keep it on the lean side. I would say roughly two times the volume of the unsmashed block of 'noodles' if that is what they are. Add the seasoning right away to the water. Let that heat up and boil. This is the time to throw the smashed bits in there. Many people make the mistake at this point to just leave the pan on the stove and go pass out in the other room for an hour or two. That's really not recommended for health reasons mostly. The burning teflon plays hell with your lungs.  IF this happens though, it's not a big deal. Just kind of look around to make sure no one saw the fact that you pretty much just about burnt your house down, and start over. Wash the pan first. Handles just don't melt on most pans,  I've noticed. Hoooray.

Say you didn't forget about it. It really only takes about 6-8 minutes for this. Now, the part you should really watch is the noodle. Add them to the brown sodium juice roiling in the saucer pan, don't boil the jesus out of it, just simmer as they say. Stir stir stir till the little chunkettes of protein/noodle come undone in the fluid. Let it soak till the noodles grow transparent. This is the secret. You can't rush it. Let them get a little juicy, a little clear.
Then, add the egg right into the middle. With a wooden spoon, (pretending we haven't fucked the teflon on this pan already) stab the yolk and spread it around and stir it up. There will be these white tendrils of egg mixed in with the noodle shaped protein. There should be little to no moisture left. All that sodium browness filled each noodle to the brim. That's what makes em clear asshole. It also is what makes them so delectable. Then, serve them on about four cubes of ice. Maybe three. This will cool the pasty saltiness and give it that 'soup' nature you long for. Choke it down like a mug of juice or eat it with a spoon. This is a favorite, I kid you not.

A Spicy Treat from the East

I love ramen noodles, but it just makes me cringe whenever I see someone cook up a packet, throw seasoning on, and then eat it just like that. I suppose that's okay for someone in a north korean prison or something, but here in the US of Awesome we have a little concept known as "taking the spicy train to delish town." Hop aboard, faggot.

You're gonna need a pot* and a skillet. Start boiling the water and throw in the noods when you've got a nice steady roll goin. In your skillet: broc, baby corn, shrooms, onion, green onion.

You're gonna need some sort of asian spice sauce to throw on the veggies while they're cookin. I recommend hoisin, but there's all sorts. You can even use multiple spicy sauces and experiment with your ratios to come up with your unique spicy asian sauce concoction.

Sriracha. Do you have it? If not, then just pick up the pot of boiling water and pour it over your head. That should teach you. Throw the racha on the veggie mix.

Drain your noodles when they soft and throw on the seasoning with a bit of water and butter. Let it get all noodly, then throw in the veggies with more sriracha and some spicy chinese mustard. Stir it all up until you got a nice oriental glop going and serve it in a bowl.

There are very few dishes in this world for which mexican hot sauce is not strongly advised, and this is one of them. Respect your sriracha: it has a crazy kick hiding behind that soft, pinkish-orange exterior. Go it slow if you've never used racha before; nobody wants to eat a pink noodley fireball.

Noodle Tacos

This is a recipe I got from my boss, unfortunately i cant take credit for this awesome, yet desperately simple concoction. Eggers, this one's for you!

The Back Story:

Nick and his roommate Russell are in their house; they are hungry. They realize there is nothing to eat in their house. They scour the cabinets and find one packet of ramen and some taco shells. Looking around they noticed there were no bowls; also they were drunk so they decided to put the noodles in the taco shells and eat them. I shit you not. Noodle tacos.

Ingredients:

Noodles + Taco shell = noodle tacos

I recommend tossing a chunk of butter in the water while the noodles cook; stir it up, drain the water, add your spice racks as you see fit. Lousiana hot is a good idea. You could probly put other things in them too, make sure you chop them into reasonably-sized pieces that will fit nicely in a taco shell. Extra ingredients will rest comfortably on the soft ramen bed, but be thorough and nestle them inside the noodles to ensure a tightly-packed taco.

A Breakfast Heart Attack

Every once in a while, perhaps when being a man and working the trans-Alaska pipeline, or chopping down trees in northern Canada, you get really hungry before you even leave the house to work! Hopefully, you've got about 40 minutes, because you're gonna need to f'ing eat.

Other good times for this meal are when you're hung over, or just generally looking for a good morning belly-blast of awesome.

Breakfast skillets are a classy way to feed a crowd or even an army, if you're leading a band of mercenary killers or religious zealots to their doom.

You've got two primary paths worth considering: traditional and Mexican. Being as how I'm from a proud border community, local fare will win and we'll be examining the better of the two choices.

Here's what you're going to need - I'll trust you've accumulated sufficient acumen to determine the specific dosings of the various components below. It's all based on yo' taste. If you made it my way, your tongue would be gone and your insides would be bursting fuego for a fortnight.

Eggie-Weggies
'Taters
Onions, sweet preferred
Penos
Meat*
Red Peppers, Yellow Peppers (I hate green peppers, so fuck them)
Garlic
Cados
Mushrooms
Cilantro
Chee-z-e or Queso for you southern types.
Sour Cream
Green Onions
Tomatoes
Maybe some greek food lube, aka olive oil
Veggie oil fo' ya' 'tater fryin'
Lalas Torts
TONS OF HOT SAUCE MORON

On the subject of meat, your top two choices here are bacon and steak. If you have bacon, other lean meat can also be added (think diced ham, very hearty and heart-wrenching, perhaps turkey sausage if you're into Mickey-D's and diet coke). Chorizo is a great choice if you're really going for it on this one.

I hope you have two pretty big pans, otherwise, this is gonna suck for you. You need to get your potatoes going ASAP. You need to dice a bunch of potatoes to begin with, like, 2 per person is a good bet, and if you're feeding a bunch add some more for safety's sake. They're the cheapest thing on earth, for f's sake. Dice them into small cubes, smaller than a dime's diameter's size or thereabouts. Get the oil nice and hot, and toss the fuckers in. They're going to pop and crackle, boo hoo. STFU and move them around. You want to make sure, now, that the oil's temperature is set to minimize the crackles, and keep them even and rolling. It's kind of like the whole popcorn thing... It's an art that takes a bit of perfecting. You're going to let the little fuckers cook for a while, during which time you'll keep working on the rest of the meal. BUT KEEP AN EYE ON THEM YOU SPACEBRAINED FOOL! I know you're going to step out to check on the bowl* every once in a while, but don't burn your fucking 'taters, they take a long time and are important.

Once you get the tots going, gather your meat and break it into the bite-size chunks you like. Big, small... doesn't really matter. Just cut. Make sure you're going to have a bit of grease going on, if it's bacon or chorizo, you're fine. If you only have lean meat, add some olive oil to get things sizzling. As far as temp goes, you wanna get your meat cooking, but it should take some time. Err on the side of low, because it sucks to burn yo shit. Also, every stove is different, and for us baking guys in rental housing, they can range wildly. If you're cooking bacon or something really greasy, you'll want to cook the meat pretty well and then drain off some grease, unless you really don't like a functioning heart. If you're using only lean meat, you can add the veggies direct.

Once the meat is zip-zapping it's ass along, get to work on your veggies before you totally space out and fuck this up. I like to dice everything involved pretty good, if you have big chunks, yo shit ain't gonna work out so nice. Be patient and put the work in, you lazy fuck. The onions, mushrooms and peppers can go in basically when they've been chopped (if you've drained yo' oil). Be careful with the garlic if things are going quick, it can burn and turn nasty in the high, meat-frying temperatures. This is when you want to make totally certain that your heat ain't fucking blazing, if you know what I mean. Keep it under control or you're gonna fuck it all up, throw it away and disappoint a crowd of hungry people.

NOW CHECK ON YOUR POTATOES YOU FUCK! Did you burn them? No? Good. If you did, throw it all away. Everybody's getting Mickey D's breakfast, your treat. Save yourself the embarassment.

Now, add some salt and pepper to your veggie and meaty snack. If you have another (yes, third) pan suitable for egging, get to work prepping your eggie weggies for the task at hand. I like to cook them over easy for the skillets, to allow the eggy wonderful yum yum juice to creep into the nooks, crannies and various other hiding places hidden throughout the wonderland that is soon to be your breakfast.

Let your veggies go, watch the potatoes. Get the eggs going however you choose. If you have a lot to cook, scrambling is a good bet unless you got yourself one mean griddle.

Keep in mind, to keep people happy you need some QUESO! You've got a range of choices here. A really good choice is some nice, soft, white queso fresco or some soft shredded mexican cheese. If you're at the grocery store, a mexican shredded blend works too.

Now, your potatoes should be approaching done. By done, I mean they're brown and crunchy and cooked all over. You've gotta work at getting them all cooked nice, and they will cook way down. This is what you want to make for delicious heaven. When you pull the tates out, put them on paper towel or paper bag or something to absorb the grease. This will be heart attack enough w/o a bucket of grease on the bottom. Also, toss some garlic salt on them at this time, while they still shimmer with oil. The garlic salt is tits. Don't skip it.

When you're ready to plate the shit up, get your bowls or similar apparatus together. Potato the bottom, making sure they're nicely salted, if there's too much... try to distribute it? Just hope you haven't fucked up too bad. Add a bit of a layer of cheese now, let it melt through the tates a bit. Next comes the meat and veggies. These should be nice and hot, and dumped on the queso will work nicely. Now, toss the eggs right on top of the meat and veggies. The resulting co-mingling of juices will serve you well in your endeavor for heaven. Next comes another bashing of cheese, some cilantro, and perhaps some green onion and sour cream on top. Now, serve the fucking shit w/ some LaLa's tortillas. You need tortillas.

Now, the intrepid reader, upon receiving such a concoction, will ask directly for the hot sauce. Never fear, a sufficient supply should be in stock for the occasion. Make sure you apply liberally, and reapply frequently.

Eat the fucking thing hard.

Now, look at your kitchen. It's a fucking mess, isn't it? Resist the temptation to clean it. It's not in your best interest. If you're lucky, you've got a roommate who'll do it. If you cooked for a crowd, enlist one of the lucky SOBs eating for free. If you cooked for your lumberjack self, leave the food scraps for the dog, let him clean the kitchen for you and head off your merry way to a day chopping down trees and wearing women's undergarments. We thank you for your efforts!

If you fucked up at some point along the way. I hope there's a Mickey D's or better yet a breafast-burrito-serving-joint near you to get you by. Sorry you fucking wasted that shit, loser.

Classtime Salami Surprise

i was goin to class the other day and I realized oh shit, I'm hungry. Luckily I had some bitchin bullshit in my fridge, as well as the know-how to combine some bullshit into a delish little cruchy spice snack. Here's what ya gotta have:

french bread - 4 slices
mayo
horseradish mayo
pickled penos
cheese - some fat slices of swiss
white onion - nice little slice mice
mustard - i prefer yellow
pica pico - just a dabble
nice little salami slices

put the spreads on your bread and then start layin on the bullshit: penos, onion, cheese, salams. Smush the top bread on top and put it in a bag. take it anywhere -- ANYWHERE.

I ate this sandwich right in the middle of class and people started puking from the smell. the teacher left the class for a while and i'm pretty sure she was either puking or shitting from the crazy ass smell.

CaRRRne AsadOMG

You do all your shopping for this meal at food city. They got the best produce and they got a fuckin carneceria right in the store. your first stop is the carneceria: get the dude's attention and tell him you want some rancho preparada (he'll know). Get as much as you want; I recommend three lbs.

Produce:
limos
cados
penos
tomatoes
cabbage
mexican green onion
white onion
cilantro

Get your buds to make some gorilla guac and grill the carne. Eat it with some LaLa's and cabbage, spoon the guac on as ya like.

A Simple, Fucktastically Good Meal

What is the one and only category of food which will ALWAYS sustain you, through thick and thin, through rain, sleet and snow? To what genus of foodstuff do centuries of working men, and more recently women, owe their continued sustenance? Other than pizza, what glorious wrapped morsel can you get delivered hot (or cold) to your door? Sandwiches.

Yes, you guessed it. The ultimate union steward for our belly is the good old Earl of Sandwich and his love of eating on-the-go. Well, perhaps the Earl himself wouldn't be my first choice in representation, we do owe him at the very least the name that rings so sweet and so clear to every hungry man, woman and child on this planet.

So what the fuck is a sandwich anyways? I've seen shit ranging from 'creative' bruschetta to slop buckets with bread on top being called a sandwich. There's no way around it. My favorite theoretical conception of a sandwich revolves around a fundamental concept: meat, cheese, vegetables and sauce wrapped in any type of bread is a sandwich. Best to open one's mind when on the prowl for a hungry belly.

There are two basic types of sandwiches:

-The kind you make when you go to the store and buy ingredients that you actually want to eat together

-The kind you make when you're fucking starving, broke, and are rummaging for something edible, and mildly compatible with the other 'items' you've got in your hand.

I'll leave the second challenge for another long-winded, bullshit musing.

Next set of choices:

-European (think French sissy bullshit)

-American (think awesome)

-Asian(what the fuck? Again, think of some French sissy bullshit with some extra weird veggies)

I'm all for French sissy bullshit, but that too is for another time and place. Let's face it, unless you're trying to impress a lady (or fine gentleman if you're of the opposite persuasion) or have only the two ingredients on hand, fuck that euro-trash.

So the parts of the sandwich that are critical for your success are:

-Bread (no shit?)

-Meat(s) (fuck off you hippie assholes. Eat a French sandwich you gladhanding sissy- boy/girl/undecided)

-Mayo and Mustard (non-negotiable)

-"Salad Vegetables," as an asshole would call them

-A knife or two

-A plate or the floor

-A bowl*

-Guts and a drive to succeed

Bread - you've gotta make some big decisions here that will drive the rest of this show. If this is one of your first serious rodeos, you're gonna want to keep it simple. Fuck this up and you've just made yourself, at best, a house of gold on a foundation of shit. If you've already gone too far, just throw everything away now and save yourself the effort and self-esteem.

Basic choice is flat or sliced? Open faced sandwiches are for sissy-ass Europeans, unless they're covered in gravy, so you're gonna have to choose a bread that will yield a nice sandwich. To the dipshit who walks off and buys the 99-cent loaf, I like flour and water too buddy, but you're not going to be making a meaningful sandwich out of that unless you're good with a knife and know what you're doing. Otherwise, you're going to have torn out balls of messy dough in smashed up crusts, covered in your tears of self-loathing disappointment. Don't fuck with French bread unless you got the balls for it. Sliced bread must be wheat, 12 grain or something similar preferred. There's no reason to be a dufus here, white bread is for idiots. It was a food preservation method that turned lovely, natural grain into fat-fuel. It's nice in some places (usually when the sugar is white too), but fuck it for a sandwich. Flat bread is a great option because it allows you to really load up on the "Salad Vegetables" and other delicious bullshit that makes a sandwich a sandwich, instead of just garbage between shingles.

Meats are a tricky subject. I'll leave the various amalgamated refuse (lunch sausages like bologna, salami, etc...) to others who smell. I like to stick with turkey, ham and roast beef for standard fare. You may choose one, both or all as the foundation of your sandwich, but don't knock on the old-fashioned one-meat hoagie. It will serve you right and definitely won't fuck your wife. A fashionable, and fucktastically awesome, addition is bacon. It belongs in basically all sandwiches. Problem is, fat boys should not eat bacon. As you think to make yourself a sammie, look down. If you have a hard time seeing your zipper or your shoes, no bacon for you.

Now, any good sandwich also needs mayo and mustard. Mayo is important for a variety of reasons. Mainly, it makes the sandwich good. Also, it protects your bread from getting sogg-tastic by creating an oily barrier to water-based liquids from your samm-berto-hand-feast. Any decent mayo will do, but fuck miracle whip and that vegan shit. Don't fuck with it.

Mustard gives your sandwich balls, libido and sex appeal. Given that you are what you eat, go to work on the mustard. It can't hurt your loser ass. There's a lot of choices here, but basically fuck yellow mustard and anything with more than a smidge of sugar. Chipotle mustard (or mayo, both work), horseradish mustard and deli (seedy) mustard are good choices. Again, keep the yellow shit away from your daughters, it'll will not behave "professionally" towards them.

Now come the vegetables.

I want to through a huge disclaimer first - I used to be in the "fuck veggies, veggies are for faggots" camp a while ago. We all have to grow up, and learn the error of our youthful indiscretions sometime, luckily I have corrected course. To those who haven't, get on the fucking boat and quit being a dipshit. Veggies are tits, not gay (TM).

Also, fuck lettuce. Fuck it dead. Burn it. I would recommend you feed it to your dogs, but your dog doesn't even want that shit. Just get rid of the fucking lettuce. It's a waste of space; it's like dousing your sandwich with a cup of water. Yes, romaine too!

Instead use some fucking fresh spinach. Who's the most popular, spinach-eating motherfucker of all time? Popeye the fucking Sailor-Man. What was he known for? Being a tremendous badass. Get the picture dipshit and throw some fresh spinach on every goddamn sandwich you make. A good fallback is sprouts, I guess they basically suck as bad as lettuce, but at least you get the satisfaction of cutting life off early.

Tomates are non-negotiable. Extra is better. Slice them real nice, and if they're wet try to get rid of the juice, it will do you no good. Beefsteak or roma tomatoes are a good choice, a lot of the time "nicer" tomatoes are way to wet, so don't be afraid of the old standbys. Also, if they're in season, heirloom tomatoes make for a killer sam-bam-thank-you-ma'am. Just make sure they don't rot in your produce basket.

If you like onions, put them in. I particularly like them grilled on basically anything, sandwiches included. Cucumbers are another key choice, sliced thin so they jive with the easy-ripping, sandwich fun. Some adventurous fucks put thin-sliced carrot on, but bugs bunny was a wise ass motherfucker and I want nothing to do with him. Popeye beats the shit out of bugs any day.

Now, toss some salt, pepper and oregano on. Assemble the bastard.

Now throw it on the ground and stomp in it a few times. When the dog tries to clean it up, kick the dog and urinate on the sandwich. That's the only way to enjoy it properly.