THE SHARTED NERFBALL

This dish dawned on me while I was thinking of how to use "shart" in a recipe title – it also…happened to me.

Everybody has “played” with Nerf Products - Everybody (I'd like to think) has sharted – So:

When I was 24 I swallowed a Super Nerf Ball. Some faggit left it in the party spread! Thanks to probiotics and Nerf Foamings I didn’t need much of an exit strategy – RIGHT? RIGHT? Right. But. I had also (within the same standing) consumed 16 browncat brews (measure it yourself I wasa wizard I won it!), 2 pounds o’ smog dogs, some bees’ tea w/ bees’ tees, 4 burpless cucumbers and a spot of carpet. And you’re all like “NOOOOOT BAD!” after this I swilled some pepto, which should have, by all accounts, sealed my corn solid. RIGHT?

No explanation for the shart. Did the cucumber redirect the blow south? Did that pin-up doll make me anxious? Was I marathon dancing? Were the smogs over miced? All I know is that it sounded like a fucking barking rat in the middle of the dance floor, black beads barreling across my thighs like hot tar. I fell to my knees with a “FWHOAT!” and stayed there. Nobody could touch me. I felt like 10 bucks.

N-E-WAY I bunny foo fooed the fuck out and wound up with this Great Idea for Any Occasion!

2 cans o' black beans
green onion chopped fine
garlic
cilantro
teaspoon cumin
teaspoon oregano
teaspoon rosemary
salt
pepper
1 cup brown rice cooked
1/2 cup corn meal
olive oil

mince n' mash, pack n fry. line up the balls, your frituras de frijoles negros are complete. add gorilla guac and you'll be shuking in no time.

want more black foods? try squeezing a squid! i had black pasta the other night.

RUBENS PSYCHEDELIC PSLEAZY DOGS

its simple yet elegant, small yet incredibly dense. It comes care of my friends Ruben from Coachella, and the other dude who had long hair and a guitar but whos name I cant remember, so lets just call him Logan...im sorry Logan :(

These two guys rolled incognito into a heavy security music festival with 500 hot dogs, a portable grill, and a shit ton o' bacon! They decided to be ultimate badasses and sell people Sleazy Dogs outta the back of their van for half the price of the festival food. They got hassled by security, but they bounced back and brought the goodz to e'erbody!

Honestly i dont know why they called them Sleazy Dogs. Maybe they thought it had a ring to it?

A Sleazy Dog is a:

a) hot dog

b) wrapped in bacon

c) with onions

d) and really, nothing else except they had some really tasty buns


(notice the above 'grill' in bold means grill, so thats what you do with it)


put some condiments on that sucker, whatever you like at this point im not gonna tell you what to do here, honestly i just dont care enough. now eat it..make more if your still hungry, dont be afraid. I ate 2 for breakfast chilling with Ruben and Logan and i somehow still felt decent, better than i thought i was going to...i have no idea what the calorie count could be per dog, id actually rather not think about it cuz they taste like salty heaven!

Bacon and onion together are a wicked combo..add a charred dog and its downright insane. What else is insane is Ruben. Or at least he was when i saw him. Not mental, just temporarily..giddy? I gave him some uh..medicine and he turned into a fun guy, a reeeal fun guy if ya get my drift! He was havin a ball, cookin up his dogs while attempting to chop onions and trying to wrap bacon. It was actually his birthday! If there ever was a happy Ruben, he was right there that day, dancing in front of me looking so impish and whimsical, waving his onion cleaver around in one hand and some raw bacon strips in the other. I think he had some kinda deep epiphany, cuz he went apeshit and cooked up the rest of his dogs to give away to anyone that wanted one. Never have i ever seen or even thought it remotely possible for a guy this fun to cook up dogs at the speed he did, let alone even operate a grill, props Ruben, you are awesome!

Freakin' solid, Ruben! You and Logan are like a hot dog version of robin hood and little john, and we were like your merry band of hot dog eating men (and women) You brought cheap sleaze to the masses so they wouldnt hafta eat overpriced garbage. You even snuck in a buncha glass bottled Jarritos, which were prohibited but you did it anyways! And then i fed you substances that turned you into a raving maniac! Hell yeah!

Bees' Tees

So, y'all've come to expect long-winded, bullshit food diatribes from me. This one's gonna turn it around a bit.

This is a tried and true classic, from childhood even. Except, this ain't your normal shit slapped on planks of white-ass, burned-ass toast. This is a refined, Baking Guy's toast.

Tha' List of Shit You Will Need Not To Fail At This:

7, 12, 14, 39, 87 or 124 Grain Bread; Sliced

Salted Butter

Arizona Honey

Bananas

Common Sense

A Penis, or Supervision

First, take your bread in your grubby little hand-paws. Look at it a bit. Ponder its essence. Smell it a little. Do you feel the earth in it? No? Good. You just passed sanity test #1. Did the bread make your aura better? Yes? YOU FAILED, you hippie fuck. Get the fuck out of here.

Put the bread in a toaster oven. Yes, toaster oven. A simple toaster isn't going to cut it here, shorty (well, technically it will...). Toaster ovens are great because you can apply the salted butter near the beginning of the toast cycle, and help it melt all nice and soft so as not to destroy your beautiful toast. If you're a poor, pitiful schmuck with a toaster, improvise.

Toast the bread until you're happy with it. Then, this is going to shock you, you should take it out of the toasting device! If you added your healthy dabs of butter at the beginning, to soften and caress the butter into its smooth-spreading sexiness, smear it about until you've covered every square inch of the toast with your yellow goodness. If you pussied out, or have only a mere toaster (basically the same thing), now you can smash and destroy the toast with your cold butter. If you're a wiseass, thinking "I've got margine, I'll show that fuck Jimpert," fuck off. DO NOT PUT MARGARINE ON MY BEES' TEES. If you do, I will hunt you down and feed that shit to my dog before shaving your head bald and tattooing my war symbol on the back of your head.

Now that you've got nice, buttery toast, add the honey. I like the stuff that's more natural, even a bit... crusty? The crystallized honey is the best stuff, make sure to spread it evenly over the whole surface of the toast. I am a huge fan of Arizona Mesquite honey. Perhaps it's because I grew up, ooping and glooping through the stuff, but it's way better than the bear looking shit they sell at every grocery store in the universe, or worse yet, shit that's mostly HIGH, fucking, FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP. WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING FUCK. Of course, technically it's "honey sauce", because to call it honey is to defame the goodness that is the Bees' Knees. So, basically, if it's got HFCS in the shit, see above re: margarine (are you seeing a trend there Sherlock?).

Finally, but not most leastly, come the Nanners. Go ahead and take a risk, use the dark nanner for this one, I dare you. I trust you on the whole sliced nanners thing, it's hard to fuck that part up too bad (hint: peel it first!).

Any mother fucker out there thinking to him/herself that I missed something? Well I didn't. Just in case your measly pissant brain didn't get it, fuck peanut butter. Ok, ok. Don't fuck it (just spread it somewhere for the dog...), but skip it on the Bees' Tees. It's unnecessary. The snack is great because it only barely sticks to the roof of your mouth, and is fairly light. Slathering a bunch of elephant love on it will not gain you anything other than shit stuck to the roof of your mouth and a tongue immobilized in the quicksand of elephant love.

There you have it, now that you've got the fucker assembled, EAT IT! What the fuck do you need me to tell you that for?

Maize Caliente del Fuego

I've been getting a lot of fan mail lately asking me about foods you can eat in the dark--i.e. either when you're watching a movie or when you're with a lady. I only eat one thing* when I'm with a lady, if you understand right, so here's a quick and spicy snack to eat when youre kickin it with a bowl and a film.

It's easy as shit:
Popcorn -- that's right, plain-ass motherfuckin popcorn. No butter or salt---yet.
Butter--REAL BUTTER. NO margarine, no "butter buds," no sleep till brooklyn.
Salt-- this is the stuff in the white shaker. You can add it to food yourself, instead of having Orville Reddenbacher do it for you!
MEXICAN HOT SAUCE -- anything will do, but I must recommend Cholula and Tapatio over all others.

Cook the popcorn in the microwave and melt your buttah in a pan. Drizzle the butter over the poppin corn and add salt to taste.

Now for the artful part: You need to apply the hot sauce so that it does not make the popcorn all soggy. THIS IS FUCKING CRUCIAL. No one wants to eat a shitty sticky wet globular shitsoup of spicy vegetable matter. To understand how to apply the hot sauce, you need to understand the mechanics of your typical hot sauce bottle:

You will notice that, if you hold a bottle of Cholula upside down, the spicy goodness does not just all pour out a la an upside down bottle of wine; instead, the spices form little beads, or, in the industry jargon, "houses" (hence the term "spicehouses"). Thus, if you turn the bottle upside-down and move it slowly over your popcorn, you'll get an even distribution of spicehouses with no soggy shit-spots.

Let this snack turn your next movie into a motherfuckin pelicula!

Massive Sodium Goodness

There is a special art to Ramen. I'm sure all folks do it well, but seeking and achieving perfection can transform it into a kind, gentle and artistic meal. No one dares crush the noodles in the bag before popping open the bag. That is wrong. Always smash the fucking noodles first. Right. Don't let them burst out of the bag though. 

So, eyeball the water and keep it on the lean side. I would say roughly two times the volume of the unsmashed block of 'noodles' if that is what they are. Add the seasoning right away to the water. Let that heat up and boil. This is the time to throw the smashed bits in there. Many people make the mistake at this point to just leave the pan on the stove and go pass out in the other room for an hour or two. That's really not recommended for health reasons mostly. The burning teflon plays hell with your lungs.  IF this happens though, it's not a big deal. Just kind of look around to make sure no one saw the fact that you pretty much just about burnt your house down, and start over. Wash the pan first. Handles just don't melt on most pans,  I've noticed. Hoooray.

Say you didn't forget about it. It really only takes about 6-8 minutes for this. Now, the part you should really watch is the noodle. Add them to the brown sodium juice roiling in the saucer pan, don't boil the jesus out of it, just simmer as they say. Stir stir stir till the little chunkettes of protein/noodle come undone in the fluid. Let it soak till the noodles grow transparent. This is the secret. You can't rush it. Let them get a little juicy, a little clear.
Then, add the egg right into the middle. With a wooden spoon, (pretending we haven't fucked the teflon on this pan already) stab the yolk and spread it around and stir it up. There will be these white tendrils of egg mixed in with the noodle shaped protein. There should be little to no moisture left. All that sodium browness filled each noodle to the brim. That's what makes em clear asshole. It also is what makes them so delectable. Then, serve them on about four cubes of ice. Maybe three. This will cool the pasty saltiness and give it that 'soup' nature you long for. Choke it down like a mug of juice or eat it with a spoon. This is a favorite, I kid you not.

A Spicy Treat from the East

I love ramen noodles, but it just makes me cringe whenever I see someone cook up a packet, throw seasoning on, and then eat it just like that. I suppose that's okay for someone in a north korean prison or something, but here in the US of Awesome we have a little concept known as "taking the spicy train to delish town." Hop aboard, faggot.

You're gonna need a pot* and a skillet. Start boiling the water and throw in the noods when you've got a nice steady roll goin. In your skillet: broc, baby corn, shrooms, onion, green onion.

You're gonna need some sort of asian spice sauce to throw on the veggies while they're cookin. I recommend hoisin, but there's all sorts. You can even use multiple spicy sauces and experiment with your ratios to come up with your unique spicy asian sauce concoction.

Sriracha. Do you have it? If not, then just pick up the pot of boiling water and pour it over your head. That should teach you. Throw the racha on the veggie mix.

Drain your noodles when they soft and throw on the seasoning with a bit of water and butter. Let it get all noodly, then throw in the veggies with more sriracha and some spicy chinese mustard. Stir it all up until you got a nice oriental glop going and serve it in a bowl.

There are very few dishes in this world for which mexican hot sauce is not strongly advised, and this is one of them. Respect your sriracha: it has a crazy kick hiding behind that soft, pinkish-orange exterior. Go it slow if you've never used racha before; nobody wants to eat a pink noodley fireball.

Noodle Tacos

This is a recipe I got from my boss, unfortunately i cant take credit for this awesome, yet desperately simple concoction. Eggers, this one's for you!

The Back Story:

Nick and his roommate Russell are in their house; they are hungry. They realize there is nothing to eat in their house. They scour the cabinets and find one packet of ramen and some taco shells. Looking around they noticed there were no bowls; also they were drunk so they decided to put the noodles in the taco shells and eat them. I shit you not. Noodle tacos.

Ingredients:

Noodles + Taco shell = noodle tacos

I recommend tossing a chunk of butter in the water while the noodles cook; stir it up, drain the water, add your spice racks as you see fit. Lousiana hot is a good idea. You could probly put other things in them too, make sure you chop them into reasonably-sized pieces that will fit nicely in a taco shell. Extra ingredients will rest comfortably on the soft ramen bed, but be thorough and nestle them inside the noodles to ensure a tightly-packed taco.