Some Fucked Up Chinese Bullshit

Just made this one tonight, that makes this 'cipe only like 5 hours old. Here's what I did: I bought the good ramen from Fry's. Not the maruchan or top ramen bullshit. The stuff with japanese letters on it, next to the wasabi peas. Get it.

Broccoli: get it fresh this time. It's so cheap in august, what the fuck are you doing buying that frozen bullshit? Fuck you.

Spicehouses:

Chinese five mices (this is cinnamon, licorice [serious], garlic and a bunch of other stuff, so tasty)

Hoisin

Smicey Mustard

racha

soy sauce

Put the broccoli in a frying pan with the spices.

I suddenly realized that this 'cipe had no meat in it and I was like shit, I got so much chicken in the fridge. If you don't have a big bag of frozen chicken in your e-z-freeze, you're a fucking idiot, because it's seriously like 8 bucks for a fucking BAG OF CHICKEN at the frys by our house. Spices are also pretty cheap and you can always find plenty of crunchy and tasty snacks to eat, such as the cracker smacks that were ten 3-packs for ten bucks, and also the dairy aisle which always has lots of quality snacks in many flavors. bread is like 79 cents DUDE so go to the store and buy some shit.

Back to the ramen (the good ramen, by the wasabi peas). The reason you bought the good ramen instead of the maruchan bullshit is because the good ramen comes with not one but TWO packets of flavors. The first one is your basic bullshit ramen flavor powder, but it's actually made of a quality spicehouse foundation. the 2nd packet is a bunch of I shit you not freeze-dried vegetables that are actually quite plump and cruchy/spicy once they get boiled. Once the ramen gets nice and boiled down, add the spice packets and stir it. Now all you gotta do is take the broccoli and spices and pour it into the pot with the ramen. Then put racha on it and EAT IT BRO.

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Baking Guys Smogdogs ranked in the 99th Percentile at basketball at onlinegames.com beating many other nations. Handily.

DESAYUNO DE LA PEQUEñA

mexican breakfast!

need:

tortillas
-corn only, no flour

eggs

bacon

poblano

green onion

Nepalitos
- inquire at Food City

queso
-shredded

potato
-this is optional. really, corn tortillas are tiny by nature so theres only so much you can stuff in 'em


you will need something to display the cooked ingredients on so their easily grabbable! i use a large cutting board. Have your spicehouses close at hand, as always.

also a small pan w/grease smear of your choice; the trick is to heat the corns on low and make em nice 'n floppy hot..that way your torts stand a chance of staying strong thru-out the meal!


as for the other prep, start the bacon first. this is pretty much common sense, think about how long the bacon will take to cook compared to the other stuff; its meat. this should make sense; you should actually already have the bacon started by this point in the recipe..

when its on the verge of crispy, dice everything else (not the eggs) and toss it in another pan. let em cook on med-high in their own juices unless your feeling the sauce..if you have any type of salsa now is a great time. stir frequently, pause to add generous spicings thru out. keep an eye on the bacon, it should be crispy by now if not more so. Crumble it into a pile and leave it while your doin the other stuff.

ok, now with the free pan crack eggs strait up, make like your gonna fry em at first. then take a spatula and stab that shit into scrambles. i always do this cuz i like the texture, and they still turn out nicely scrambled 'n fluffy. for xtra fluff add a spot o milk! for xtra house add tapatio (recommended). stir it right up!

by this time the vegg should be spiced; grab a lid and crank the burner to high to give em a final fritz while you scoop the egggs right next to the b-crumbles. plop the cheese in a pile next to that. get your spices out and put them next to all that..tapatio, cholula garlic, and 505 green chile all come highly recommended.

heat the torts in aforementioned grease pan and yor ready to grub! this is grab-it-all style, if you do it right you and all your bros should be able to squelch all the fixin's into a delicious lil corn-bowl. hopefully you also figured out how much to make per tortilla either a) owned or currently residing in the house, or b) that had received 'dibs' upon; if not i cant really help you.


D.d.l.P is meant to be enjoyed after a long nite of debauchery. when you wake up feeling super shitty, the first thing you want to do is puke for a while. but the next thing you usually want after that is a delicious mexican breakfast, spicy enough to blast the toxins thru your pores and make your forehead sweat buckets! You are guaranteed to feel refreshed afterwards; a cold beverage is a must! Your goat-hole will thank you later :)

THE SHARTED NERFBALL

This dish dawned on me while I was thinking of how to use "shart" in a recipe title – it also…happened to me.

Everybody has “played” with Nerf Products - Everybody (I'd like to think) has sharted – So:

When I was 24 I swallowed a Super Nerf Ball. Some faggit left it in the party spread! Thanks to probiotics and Nerf Foamings I didn’t need much of an exit strategy – RIGHT? RIGHT? Right. But. I had also (within the same standing) consumed 16 browncat brews (measure it yourself I wasa wizard I won it!), 2 pounds o’ smog dogs, some bees’ tea w/ bees’ tees, 4 burpless cucumbers and a spot of carpet. And you’re all like “NOOOOOT BAD!” after this I swilled some pepto, which should have, by all accounts, sealed my corn solid. RIGHT?

No explanation for the shart. Did the cucumber redirect the blow south? Did that pin-up doll make me anxious? Was I marathon dancing? Were the smogs over miced? All I know is that it sounded like a fucking barking rat in the middle of the dance floor, black beads barreling across my thighs like hot tar. I fell to my knees with a “FWHOAT!” and stayed there. Nobody could touch me. I felt like 10 bucks.

N-E-WAY I bunny foo fooed the fuck out and wound up with this Great Idea for Any Occasion!

2 cans o' black beans
green onion chopped fine
garlic
cilantro
teaspoon cumin
teaspoon oregano
teaspoon rosemary
salt
pepper
1 cup brown rice cooked
1/2 cup corn meal
olive oil

mince n' mash, pack n fry. line up the balls, your frituras de frijoles negros are complete. add gorilla guac and you'll be shuking in no time.

want more black foods? try squeezing a squid! i had black pasta the other night.

RUBENS PSYCHEDELIC PSLEAZY DOGS

its simple yet elegant, small yet incredibly dense. It comes care of my friends Ruben from Coachella, and the other dude who had long hair and a guitar but whos name I cant remember, so lets just call him Logan...im sorry Logan :(

These two guys rolled incognito into a heavy security music festival with 500 hot dogs, a portable grill, and a shit ton o' bacon! They decided to be ultimate badasses and sell people Sleazy Dogs outta the back of their van for half the price of the festival food. They got hassled by security, but they bounced back and brought the goodz to e'erbody!

Honestly i dont know why they called them Sleazy Dogs. Maybe they thought it had a ring to it?

A Sleazy Dog is a:

a) hot dog

b) wrapped in bacon

c) with onions

d) and really, nothing else except they had some really tasty buns


(notice the above 'grill' in bold means grill, so thats what you do with it)


put some condiments on that sucker, whatever you like at this point im not gonna tell you what to do here, honestly i just dont care enough. now eat it..make more if your still hungry, dont be afraid. I ate 2 for breakfast chilling with Ruben and Logan and i somehow still felt decent, better than i thought i was going to...i have no idea what the calorie count could be per dog, id actually rather not think about it cuz they taste like salty heaven!

Bacon and onion together are a wicked combo..add a charred dog and its downright insane. What else is insane is Ruben. Or at least he was when i saw him. Not mental, just temporarily..giddy? I gave him some uh..medicine and he turned into a fun guy, a reeeal fun guy if ya get my drift! He was havin a ball, cookin up his dogs while attempting to chop onions and trying to wrap bacon. It was actually his birthday! If there ever was a happy Ruben, he was right there that day, dancing in front of me looking so impish and whimsical, waving his onion cleaver around in one hand and some raw bacon strips in the other. I think he had some kinda deep epiphany, cuz he went apeshit and cooked up the rest of his dogs to give away to anyone that wanted one. Never have i ever seen or even thought it remotely possible for a guy this fun to cook up dogs at the speed he did, let alone even operate a grill, props Ruben, you are awesome!

Freakin' solid, Ruben! You and Logan are like a hot dog version of robin hood and little john, and we were like your merry band of hot dog eating men (and women) You brought cheap sleaze to the masses so they wouldnt hafta eat overpriced garbage. You even snuck in a buncha glass bottled Jarritos, which were prohibited but you did it anyways! And then i fed you substances that turned you into a raving maniac! Hell yeah!

Bees' Tees

So, y'all've come to expect long-winded, bullshit food diatribes from me. This one's gonna turn it around a bit.

This is a tried and true classic, from childhood even. Except, this ain't your normal shit slapped on planks of white-ass, burned-ass toast. This is a refined, Baking Guy's toast.

Tha' List of Shit You Will Need Not To Fail At This:

7, 12, 14, 39, 87 or 124 Grain Bread; Sliced

Salted Butter

Arizona Honey

Bananas

Common Sense

A Penis, or Supervision

First, take your bread in your grubby little hand-paws. Look at it a bit. Ponder its essence. Smell it a little. Do you feel the earth in it? No? Good. You just passed sanity test #1. Did the bread make your aura better? Yes? YOU FAILED, you hippie fuck. Get the fuck out of here.

Put the bread in a toaster oven. Yes, toaster oven. A simple toaster isn't going to cut it here, shorty (well, technically it will...). Toaster ovens are great because you can apply the salted butter near the beginning of the toast cycle, and help it melt all nice and soft so as not to destroy your beautiful toast. If you're a poor, pitiful schmuck with a toaster, improvise.

Toast the bread until you're happy with it. Then, this is going to shock you, you should take it out of the toasting device! If you added your healthy dabs of butter at the beginning, to soften and caress the butter into its smooth-spreading sexiness, smear it about until you've covered every square inch of the toast with your yellow goodness. If you pussied out, or have only a mere toaster (basically the same thing), now you can smash and destroy the toast with your cold butter. If you're a wiseass, thinking "I've got margine, I'll show that fuck Jimpert," fuck off. DO NOT PUT MARGARINE ON MY BEES' TEES. If you do, I will hunt you down and feed that shit to my dog before shaving your head bald and tattooing my war symbol on the back of your head.

Now that you've got nice, buttery toast, add the honey. I like the stuff that's more natural, even a bit... crusty? The crystallized honey is the best stuff, make sure to spread it evenly over the whole surface of the toast. I am a huge fan of Arizona Mesquite honey. Perhaps it's because I grew up, ooping and glooping through the stuff, but it's way better than the bear looking shit they sell at every grocery store in the universe, or worse yet, shit that's mostly HIGH, fucking, FRUCTOSE CORN SYRUP. WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING FUCK. Of course, technically it's "honey sauce", because to call it honey is to defame the goodness that is the Bees' Knees. So, basically, if it's got HFCS in the shit, see above re: margarine (are you seeing a trend there Sherlock?).

Finally, but not most leastly, come the Nanners. Go ahead and take a risk, use the dark nanner for this one, I dare you. I trust you on the whole sliced nanners thing, it's hard to fuck that part up too bad (hint: peel it first!).

Any mother fucker out there thinking to him/herself that I missed something? Well I didn't. Just in case your measly pissant brain didn't get it, fuck peanut butter. Ok, ok. Don't fuck it (just spread it somewhere for the dog...), but skip it on the Bees' Tees. It's unnecessary. The snack is great because it only barely sticks to the roof of your mouth, and is fairly light. Slathering a bunch of elephant love on it will not gain you anything other than shit stuck to the roof of your mouth and a tongue immobilized in the quicksand of elephant love.

There you have it, now that you've got the fucker assembled, EAT IT! What the fuck do you need me to tell you that for?

Maize Caliente del Fuego

I've been getting a lot of fan mail lately asking me about foods you can eat in the dark--i.e. either when you're watching a movie or when you're with a lady. I only eat one thing* when I'm with a lady, if you understand right, so here's a quick and spicy snack to eat when youre kickin it with a bowl and a film.

It's easy as shit:
Popcorn -- that's right, plain-ass motherfuckin popcorn. No butter or salt---yet.
Butter--REAL BUTTER. NO margarine, no "butter buds," no sleep till brooklyn.
Salt-- this is the stuff in the white shaker. You can add it to food yourself, instead of having Orville Reddenbacher do it for you!
MEXICAN HOT SAUCE -- anything will do, but I must recommend Cholula and Tapatio over all others.

Cook the popcorn in the microwave and melt your buttah in a pan. Drizzle the butter over the poppin corn and add salt to taste.

Now for the artful part: You need to apply the hot sauce so that it does not make the popcorn all soggy. THIS IS FUCKING CRUCIAL. No one wants to eat a shitty sticky wet globular shitsoup of spicy vegetable matter. To understand how to apply the hot sauce, you need to understand the mechanics of your typical hot sauce bottle:

You will notice that, if you hold a bottle of Cholula upside down, the spicy goodness does not just all pour out a la an upside down bottle of wine; instead, the spices form little beads, or, in the industry jargon, "houses" (hence the term "spicehouses"). Thus, if you turn the bottle upside-down and move it slowly over your popcorn, you'll get an even distribution of spicehouses with no soggy shit-spots.

Let this snack turn your next movie into a motherfuckin pelicula!