'CHEENY BLASTERRS

these are cool. I discovered them while contemplating the tastiness of a flash-fried peno popper.

Get a jar of pepperocinis..if you eat at subway often you will know them as banana peppers. Get some little pepperonis and some shredded mozzarella. Go home and do these things:

1. Figure out how many you would like to eat.

2. Rip the guts out of the cheenies, leaving the skin intact.

3. Insert 1 rolled up pepperoni per cheen. You need to roll them because they will unravel after insertion and hug the insides of the cheen, like a porky meat membrane. If you dont, the cheese melts wrong, the pepp grease doesnt seep like its sposed to, and basically your FUCKED. So dont do it.

4. Add your cheese but be gentle, dont rip the skin! Be gentle with them, you dont want the little cheeners to leak out all their tasties.

5. Put them in the oven. You dont even need a pan, but its probly a good idea. If youre goin sans-pan commando, position your cheens so they wont fall thru the cracks.

6. Watch them! Stuffed cheens cook fast: the cheese will melt thru the ronis, the greasy juices seeping forth to reside in the skin of the beast. (the cheen)

7. Take them out when you see the cheese leak out the backside. Do not try to grab them with your fingers, you will scald them.

8. Let them sit for two and three quarters minutes...and voila! cheeny blasters.

9. Eat them! Watch out for the juices, they will stay hot and might threaten to scald your mouthparts if you arent careful.

The Magical Fruit

Frijoles, fart power, pintos; beans. No matter what you call them, they're fucking tits. Basically, when you hear beans, you need to think pork fat to be successful. It doesn't matter what you do, if there's no pork fat, you're fucked.

You hippy fucks, thinking that I'm some kind of animal killing lunatic, leave now. There's plenty of places for olive oil, and for... um, butter if you're not a total shitstick. However, in some circumstances there's no choice but pork fat. So, if you have a problem with that, EAD first. Common choices are basically lard, salt pork/bacon, and various sausages. A combination of them will also work quite nicely. You can even add some steak for more meaty glory, but DO NOT think you're done with the animal fats.

Second, you're going to have to be wise about your hot sauce. You ass-hats thinking that Tabasco is the end-all, be-all of chili sauces, you too can EAD and get the fuck out. First, most important decision to make is the balls you're going to require to eat them. Beans are a privilege, and as far as I'm concerned, if they're too hot you can fuck yourself. More for me and everybody else who's earned the privilege to enjoy them. But, when circumstances call for it, let's say when you're cooking for a lovely lady who's, understandably lacking in balls, you need to tone it down a bit. That will not end the beans! Thanks to god's favorite salsa, El Pato. Duck sauce is what you need in any beans, and in any sissy-beans, you're going to do just fine with El Pato. If you're a man, or have lucked into a Latina of some sort, you can go apeshit. My personal recommendation is Cholula. Don't fuck around with anything else, Cholula is where it's at. That, plus El Pato's picante (in the green can, methinks) will get you all hot and bothered in the mouth. From the beans you pervert.

Other important things to remember are the various other spices. Onions are always required in large quantities, as with garlic. Don't skimp here, or I will show up in your kitchen with either a folded belt or baseball bat to "encourage" you to make the right decision. Salt is also required, either in garlic salt or sea salt form, are key. Yes, salt's going to kill you from the blood out, I know. Do it anyways.

Tomatoes are your next issue. I'm a big fan of a mixture of tomatoes in any beans. A basic ketchup/tomato paste + canned crushed/canned diced/canned whole can be used. If you're going fresh, my hat's are off to you. I don't fuck with that 'cause I'll eat the fresh ones and save myself the effort.

Finally, you need some beans. Canned cooked work ok when you're rushing, and being a lazy piece of shit. Bulk beans are the way to be either a hippy fuck, or your grandma. If you go with the bulk, be sure NOT to sort them to remove the rocks that inevitably get in. Yes, I mean it, do not look through the beans to find the inevitable small rocks that will crack your teeth if you don't catch them. It's too much work, and hey, fuck it, right? Figure out what you need to do here, cooking beans from raw ain't quite like boiling shit.

Now, some variety of sauce should be added in addition. Worcestershire or soy sauce are common choices. Sugar or honey is also a good idea, depending on taste.

Final note, starch and beans are a fucking killer combo. Heaven on earth. Go nuts here, any starch will work (if you're not a fuckhead).

Now, if you need more direction than that, fuck off.

Snackfish Snacos

A lot of my friends were really surprised to find out that I love to eat a nasty-ass bottomfeeder shitfish better known as the catfish. But it's fucking true, i love that shit. Here's how to actually make it good.

Thaw out your catfish. I'm assuming you aren't some bourgeois fuckface who actually buys fresh catfish. Thaw it out in like a big bowl with some warm water.

Get some oil in your pan and get it hot. There's some fags out there that would use olive oil for this but personally I prefer canola so that my catfish doesn't taste like some sort of nasty greek bullshit.

Throw all this shit on the oil:

Yellow Onion
Green "
Bell pep
penos
shrooms



Let that stuff get nice and spicy/saucey and then start cookin your catfish. Put some mexican hot sauce like tapatio or some salsa picante on there and let it get all spicey. You should definitely use some peppery fish-spice also, I can't remember what it's called but it's sort of like Mrs. Dash. Mrs. Dash would definitely work in a pinch. Throw all your fish and all your spicey pan-fried bullshit on the LaLa's with some mexican hot sauce and definitely some cabbage.

After eating this, I dare anyone to call catfish a shit-eating bottom feeder ever again.

ST. SEBASTIANS CHICKEN BOUNTY

we first mastered this treat in a lil cabin in the woods. everyone agreed it was the best chicken they'd EVER EATEN.

toss drumsticks in tin foil, throw veggies:

poblanos
jalapenos
zucchini
shrooms
yellow onion
green onion
lime

melt butter with spicings, namely some mesquite seasoning packet from safeway and garlic - pour that over the goods. wrap. grill.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R9vxHN8_jSE

Zippity Tou-nah

I have been eating tuna since I was born. It got boring after awhile so I started putting all kinds of garbage in there. Few amatuer chefs take risks when it comes to tuna salad; instead they take the safe road and create a bland mass of tuna-mayo sludge which is inherently devoid of zip, tang, and pizzazz. I can show you a better way.

This is a salad we're talking about after all, dont be afraid to jam some o your favey munchables in there! My tuna salad is fresh, its fashionable, it rolls with the TIMES. its not afraid to CHANGE. YES it CAN change your lunchlife. Here is whats happenin' with T-Sal these days:

can o tuna - throw it in a bowl
mayo- get one oversized spoonful and glob it in there
relish- half of whatever the mayo was
mustard - dijon
peños - dice em up fine
salt
pepper
hot sauce ...dont be afraid to dump it in there its just not the same without
celery...à la the peños, grab your shit and whip it up!

you could get downright nasty with this stuff if you choose. I mean nasty as in nasty awesomeness of course.

tomatoes...toss the juice 'n dice up the firm stuff
bell peps...any color, dice 'n toss, crunch factor multiplier
more mustard...dash o spicy, spot of grey p.p. and probly you should use all your other mustards if you have them..be gentle! experiment with your own mustard ratios and develop your own personal mix!
seasonal salt...dash it in
papsmearika - dabble

at this point in the recipe i reccommend uppin the mayo by a splotch, if youre doin it right you should have an assload of stuff in there by now.

got a pot? boil an egg and slice that sucker in there.. let Egg give Tuna a run for its money! Mix e'erthing ya got and put it on some bread, taste it and weep. When Im feeling spicy I can whip up three sandwiches worth of this glorious stuff; just about enough to satiate my lunchtime cravings. The prep time is nothing; basically the hungrier you are the faster you'll whip your shit into some bomb toona goop that you can stuff down your stuff hole. I skipped the bread the other day and there was no silverware so i spooned it directly with a sauce ladle.

I comb my fridge daily for new shit to put in there. One of my favorite daily activities is attempting to soup up my salad to the point of taste blastoff. Be like me and use this salad recipe as a guiding hand to foster your own creative juices. Live in a world where tuna is exciting and ever changing. Apples? pears? cados? whatcha got in there?! throw it into the mix and live a little for christsakes.

GORILLA GUAC

guacamole (pronounced goo-aka-mow-li) often reminds me of a gorilla i saw at the san diego zoo. he would vomit neon green into his hand and eat it - this process was repeated about 10 times. i like to imagine my gorilla guac to be the only substitute for his regurgitated glob - "so good you'll eat it 10 times", etc.

mix:

cados
tomatoes
green onion
jalapenos
lil habanero
cilantro
lime (excess)
garlic (excess)
garlic salt
pepper
various sauces

grill the green onion bulbs with sweet onion and poblanos, put that on top.

the key is a ton of lime and garlic - you can't go wrong

now make like a gorilla and puke!

KFC ORIGINAL

this is a kevin curtis original: its very simple.

ingredients:
frozen eggos
nesquik powder

you could drizzle the eggo in powder, but why not cut out the middle man?

you might want to add a beverage to this one. KFC recommends a Sparks or Four.

Smog Dogs

The ingredients for this recipe are four things that everyone should have at all times: Macaroni and cheese, broccoli, hot dogs, and spicehouses.

The first thing you need to do is look at your broccoli. Is it frozen or fresh? This can be deduced by a simple test: cook that shit, and if it takes longer to cook than normal it's probably frozen. Don't worry though, frozen broccoli is fucking good shit. I just wanted to make sure you know what type of broccoli you have.

Cook the mac and cheese. If you don't know how to do this, you're a fucking idiot.

Hot dogs: already cooked, just gotta heat em. Slice that shit into little baby dog nugs and stir it with the mac. Put the broccoli in.

Throw some spicehouses in: I like mexican hot sauce but you may like tabasco, which is alright I GUESS. But really you should get your head out of your ass and go buy some Tapatio.

Step outside or go chill in the living room for a minute, to work up the appetite while the mac is cooling to edible temp.

You eat it with a fork, in a bowl, faggot.

BURRITOS TORRETILLAS

last night we made some spicy burritos.

1. you'll need as many eggs as possible. we probably used 9. whip that bitch with chalula, pepper and milk. add the chalula until you can't see egg or until you fear the spice.

2. chop the potatoes, yellow bell peppers, white onion, green onion and mushrooms. throw pintos n cheese later - and drainyourbeans. add oregano, pikka pico, chalula, red habenero sauce, 505 salsa and yucateco. we're thinking about using a liquor tree as a spicemice-dispensary, perhaps a hotsauce gun that guzzles 4 kinds at once. heat it.

3. eat it with lala tortillas. this particular fare goes especially well with moosehead light.

we dedicate this burrito to the leading candidate for governor in mexico city, rodolfo torre, who was recently assassinated by some motherfuckers - The Zetas - the Z's - a band of cartel zorro bastards.